In 2016, Bree Bonchay, LCSW, and survivors of narcissistic abuse established World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD) to raise awareness about narcissism and promote summits and tools for those impacted. Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse projected by a narcissist onto those around them. It can manifest in various ways, including verbal and psychological abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and control tactics. The effects of narcissistic abuse can be deeply damaging, leading to trauma and a wide range of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). WNAAD encourages victims and survivors to share their stories to spread awareness and validate others who have experienced similar situations. The hashtag #IfMyWoundsWereVisible is often used on social media in conjunction with this day, aiming to highlight that just because abuse isn't physically visible doesn't mean it's not real. NARCISSISM What it is and how to recognize it By LD Lewis Referred to as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) by most in the medical and social fields, the nature of this disorder is challenging to diagnose and, to date, impossible to cure. As a descriptor, narcissism is a collection of personality/behavior disorders. Narcissists cannot love like ordinary people, but they can sap all the love from everyone around them and create a living nightmare for all within their reach. Since narcissists see themselves as perfect, they are always the victim. NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER "The Diagnostic and Statistics Manual, Rev IV," lists the following as descriptive of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, including exaggerating achievements and talents, with the expectation of recognition as superior without commensurate achievements. The narcissist is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. Believes he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions. The narcissist requires excessive admiration. He/she has a sense of entitlement, including unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. Is interpersonally exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve his or her ends. Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. Cruelty is a goal. He/she is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her. The narcissist shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. Narcissism becomes visible in a person's late teens and early twenties, growing in intensity and cruelty as the narcissist ages. Unfortunately, no long-term treatments exist for narcissism; once it develops, few narcissists will admit they have a problem since one of the signs of narcissism is the tendency to play the victim and blame everyone else for any ill will, problems and incomplete or substandard work, most won't seek help. They consider themselves perfect. THE CASE OF BETTY BRODERICK A famous case of narcissism involves a former housewife, mother, and socialite in San Diego, California, named Betty Broderick. Today she is a convicted murderer doing life for killing her ex-husband Dan Broderick and his new wife of six months, Linda, in 1989. Betty's story illustrates the classic narcissism symptoms in the movie, "A Woman Scorned," and its sequel, "Her Final Fury." In 2021, a limited series, "Dirty John, The Betty Brodrick Story," also emerged, focusing more attention on the manipulation tactics of her husband. In the movie, Betty's marriage begins to fall apart due to her overbearing attitude, accusations of infidelity, sense of entitlement, self-perceived victimization, and persecution. Rather than addressing the issues, her behavior goes from bizarre— Burning her husband's clothing and throwing a ring across the room because it isn't exactly what she wanted at Christmas. To callous—Dropping her young children off in the middle of the night and leaving them sitting alone outside without supervision or even knowing if her husband is home. And finally, to violent—driving her car into her ex's house while her children are home, destroying family pictures and heirlooms, and using psychological blackmail on her children for sympathy. Throughout all of this, the harm she's doing to her children remains insignificant to her. How her four children feel, think, or how her behavior affects them matters not. All that matters is hurting the cause of her perceived persecution, Dan and Linda. Ultimately she sneaks into the house and kills the couple while they sleep. Ironically, she apologized to her two eldest dollars a few hours later, saying, "I hope I didn't ruin your day. You didn't have anything special planned did you?" Throughout the trial and even from prison, Betty continues to stress her persecution, grief, and victimization at her husband's hands. She feels no remorse or responsibility for causing their deaths or the impact on her children, stating, "There may be two dead bodies, but there are five victims, me and my four children." SPOTTING NARCISSISM Seeing narcissism before it finds you can be a task. Self-absorption and narcissism are not the same thing. Each human possesses some trends toward narcissism, and we all can be selfish from time to time. Empathy is the easiest distinguishing factor between self-absorption and narcissism. Someone who is self-absorbed feels empathy and can show genuine sympathy. A narcissist cannot and does not understand the concept. He or she may act sympathetic because it is expected. Rather than an emotion, the person is mirroring those around him/her rather than expressing emotion. But when pressed to discuss, reflect or analyze why he or she has feelings of empathy, a narcissist cannot. Most relationship experts recommend dating each other at least twice a week and speaking on the phone nearly every day—long distance does not count in this recommendation—for an entire year before considering marriage. This time allows for spotting psychological problems, anti-social behavior, and sociopaths in the dating pool before you say I do. Issues like active drug and alcohol addiction, mental or physical abuse, and con artists bubble to the surface during this period. Most people, including narcissists, can behave well for three to six months; however, very few can hide who they are daily for a year. NARCISSISTS VS CON ARTISTS AND ADDICTS Living a lie takes a tremendous amount of energy, and one of the advantages of dealing with self-worshipping elitists, is they think they are more intelligent and better than everyone else, so they tend to slip up sooner than con artists or addicts, who are somewhat paranoid and hyper-vigilant due to the fact they are hiding something. In contrast to addicts on con artists, narcissists do not believe they have a problem—everyone else does, but not them. Second, they are very good at superficial relationships, possessing charm that portends excitement when with them. They are grandiose, attribute a high level of sophistication and elitism to self, and often look like the "person in the know." A little research into their background will tell you if their boasting matches their presented achievements. Narcissists are generally smoke and mirrors with little substance). What signs should you look for in dates, friends, politicians, leaders, and business associates to discover if you are dealing with a narcissist? NINE WARNING SIGNS OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER Narcissists refrain from introspection, rarely discussing memories, dreams, or thoughts of self-analysis. Cause and effect are foreign ideas—nothing is a narcissist's fault. Personal accountability is an unknown concept. Narcissists cannot relate how they learned a lesson about themselves or the world. Self-improvement rarely enters a narcissist's realm as the narcissist already sees him or herself as perfect, superior, and above most others. Generally, if self-improvement is a goal, it is done for manipulation's purpose: to get something he or she wants. At the same time, they are very good at pointing out everyone else's faults, shortcomings, or handicaps. Narcissists do not share thoughts, feelings, or dreams of their own. Instead, if ideas are shared, they quote others, rarely thinking for themselves. When asked to elaborate or explain how they came to such a conclusion, unless it's scripted, they cannot. When asked where the opinion came from, a narcissist rarely sources the information as it takes the spotlight from them and places it on another. If feelings are shared, they'll respond with what they perceive to be the answer you want to hear based on behavior they've seen in others. When pressed to elaborate, they cannot. Narcissists consider themselves superior and never ask for collaboration in problem-solving. Rather, narcissists prefer to find someone else to do it and then minimize the delegated person's contribution or take the full glory and ignore the others altogether. When asked about their past, narcissists are vague and ambiguous. Childhood friends, siblings, and others hold no importance unless they can be used to make the narcissist seem more important than he or she is. Empathy is a foreign language. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot "put the situation on the other foot to look at it from both sides." People are tools to narcissists, not human beings. A narcissist sees no problem using people to attain his objectives and does not care if he destroys others because his needs, objectives, or agenda are the only things that matter. He is superior, and everyone else is here to serve him, the legend in his mind. This "God complex" illustrates why physical contact rather than long-distance relationships are needed. This type of behavior surfaces through interaction with others, specifically family and friends. If you are not there, you won't see it. So what can you do if you are involved with a narcissistic personality? If dating and not married or employed in a situation where you are required to work with someone like this in close cooperation, run, leave, and do whatever you can to limit contact and distance yourself from this person. You cannot fix a narcissist, and the nature of their disorder prevents them from improving themselves. The emotional cost to you is not worth it. A narcissist cannot love you or receive love for love's sake. They think differently. Stay with a narcissist, and you will spend the rest of your life unfulfilled, snatching scraps of attention and rationalizing and using your energy to set right the escalating damage the narcissist leaves in his/her wake. If married and you've had children with this person, once you've determined you are dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder, your primary responsibility is the children. The cost to them and their self-esteem daily can produce issues that last a lifetime. If divorce isn't an option, counseling is a must. The children must learn to deal with this disorder without undermining their self-worth. Parental approval and recognition mean a lot to children, and withholding or attaching conditions to love causes extreme confusion and angst. Children need to learn that though they express love, this person is sick and cannot, but this does not reflect the quality of their love or being. Children brought up by a narcissistic parent often chase poor relationships because this is the only definition of love they know, that which is given and never returned. As a healthy parent, you can prevent a lifetime of heartache once you realize this is the cause. The best way to deal with persons with NPD is not to deal with them. If avoidance is not possible, limiting exposure is essential for your health, sanity, and the health and sanity of those around you. ____________ The above is an abbreviated and updated version of this article that originally ran on CouplesCompany.com in the Dating Advice Channel from 2004-2011.